Do I owe you an explanation? Maybe not, as this is my blog, and I can do whatever I can, but still...
The things is, that little more than a month ago, I suddenly found myself out of my job. I could say it was not totally unexpected, there were signs, and when they announced that that the big project we were working on for years now, will not be completed I knew things are not good, but I still hoped. Hoped that the results achieved through the years mean something. Hoped that the exceed expectation evaluation means something.That never missing a deadline (however unreasonable that is), that getting the best feedbacks about my work mean somethings. That I went to work sometimes sick, or from my vacation just to finish some certain task means something. That an american owned multinational company needs employees with fluent English an translation skills better and faster than the professional ones.
No, it did not matter. And it was no comfort that I wasn't alone. More than a few of us was sent packing. Most were people with such a knowledge and being decades with the company. Even if it was not my case it still hurt to see that the decisions were based purely on money. Older, people with more vacation days and higher salaries had to go. Pure and simple.
It was hard to face a lot of things. Look into the mirror and see my old demons live again. To see that it doesn't matter what I do, how hard I try it is just not enough. That I am not enough.I spent nights thinking about what could I do differently, but the truth is that the ones who did things differently got the boot just as well. The truth is, that no matter how I wanted, it was not so good for me there. I tried for years making people understand that I am capable of more than collecting time sheets. It took me ten month just to make them value my English knowledge and translation skills. I kept going to my leaders, kept asking for meaningful tasks.Did not got them. I waited almost a year for the project to reach the point when I could start translating the manuals and other docs. The time never came.
Of course there is always a logical explanation, the economical circumstances etc... But it is no comfort if they tell me a thousand time that it was not our work, which was exceptionally good. Yeah? So???
Of course I was afraid of P.' reaction. How many time did he said that without him I would be nothing? That withouth his support I would end up under the bridge? That I shouldn't be so full of myself, and my results they worth nothing. (at the end he was right...wasn't he?)
But then I learned a lot in the last few weeks. About myself, and about others too. Who is the one I thought as a close friend, but avoided me. Who was who promised every help, and didn't even picked up the phone to me. Who is the one who instead of giving some comfort added a kick or two. Who is the one who wasn't a close friend at all, but for the first word jumped and helped. Who is the one who was not a close friend, but tried to help without asking...
At the end it took me slightly more than a week to find a new job. It is not a perfect one, it is farther away and pays less... but it does pay the bills... and I didn't given up the search for the perfect one. (Actually, I had four offers in the last four weeks. That might mean something at the end.)
So here we are. i am starting next monday.
Tomorrow i will be back with knitting, clothes and the whole sheebang. OK?