Wednesday, December 10, 2008

It is over

P. is gone.
I am hurt all over, especially inside, I feel like my heart was teared out. I was trying so hard to find a peaceful solution, but it was just not to be.
As you all know I was sick all weekend (when he went to the shopping mall I asked him to bring me nosedrop, but he didn't, but that is just one small thing... didn't even mattered much, but so typical).
Anyway last week in ann email he asked me to pay some bills and I he promised the money wil be on my desk when I get home. It was not. (nor did I got the money for the bill I paid a month ago). Monday morning we got into an argument about how I cannot trust him even with things like this.
He wanted to stop it with shutting the door in my face. It was the entrance door, and I was still inside, so he pushed me out with the door. I went back to tell him that he cannot kick me out of my own home, and from then it went all downhill, he attacked me, wanted to hit me.

Later when my dad called him, P. told that "his head is bleeding" because I hit him. I was defending myself, and my keyes were in my hand... but he is bigger, and stronger...
I told him I want him out. that day.

I was all shaking when I got into work. I called my dad, because I decided that this just cannot go on anymore. I cannot let Chris witness this. My dad called him and told him he has to go, but he refused. He and his wife drove here.
At the afternoon P. (like nothing happened called me that I should by brea for the evening. I told him that he shouldn't thing that I will let this pass, and once again he would continue like nothing happened... Chris stayed down with my dad's wife, and the two of us went up. P. was cleaning (vacuuming!!!!!) like he has no care on the world. My dad told him (very strongly) that he has to levae, he refused, saying that he talked to his lawyer and she told him, that he has every right to stay... he repetaedly tried to call the layer, and my dad repetedly broke the connection ("don't call the lawyer, talk to me") .At a point P attacked my dad, he wanted to hit/beat him, but my dad was suprisingly strong, much stronger, but furniture still flew around...
Then my dad called his wife, who called the police. They came about fifteen minutes later. While we were waiting P. kept vacuuming... We did told him, that he still have a chance to leave peacfully but he was ever so obstinate...
The police came lisened to out story, he checked our papers, my dad showed his retired army officer card... P. kept telling that he has every right to be there, and then they asked for his adress card (if you live somewhere you have to have an official adress ID card, it can be obained with the permission of the owner of the place--- he was careful to avoid every official thing...avoid taxes, and avoid leaving traces- now it backfired on him) and he couldn't show one. He has none. The policemen was very nice, calm and patient, and straight to the point, he told him that we can report each other forever and keep fighting, but for the sake of the child, it would be better for everyone to leave, and please would he pack up his personal belongings and leave... he tried to fight it but he had to leave. my dad sent me off while he was going...
I felt like my heart is breaking, I sooo wanted to solve this peacefuly, but he resisted every attempt...

I felt so sorry when he was leaving like a lost, beaten dog...

He left, we changed the lock, and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know where he spent the night,
Christopher was crying because he didn't got his usual evening story, then because he couldn't say goodby to his dad... poor kid.
I haven't slept one minute, I haven't ate anything since sunday...
I can't even cry... I keep feeling I will break out crying, but I just can't.

I feel like I am a failiure.
I failed P., I failed my life, I failed my son.

But I simply had no other choice. I want a LIFE. I want a LIFE for my boy.
My heart is breaking all over this.

I can't say how sorry I am that it came to this... But I don't know what could I have done differently.


puikkomaisteri said...

Oh, I know all about this! I have working like volunteer in peersupporting organization of divorsing/separating mothers and fathers here in Finland.

This is a book what is helped me and my friends (and later I have organised many selfhelp groups wich were oriented by Fisher's mdel.

(skip all american-christian stuff if you don't like it ;-) book is very good!

Hope you have still nice xmas!

Mr Puffy's Knitting Blog: said...

I am so very sorry for your pain. I don't think you could have done otherwise.

Time will heal and this hurt will pass.

Teal Sky said...

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry the ending was so harsh. My prayers go out to you and Chris. I wish I could give you both a hug and make you meals and everything else I could. But there's that ocean out there. So, instead, I will weep for your sadness. And cheer you on as you begin anew, one step at a time.

Isis said...

You know I am here for you, just a phonecall away... Thinking of you all the time. I'm sure things will get resolved in time, but getting through the worst of it is very painful. Hugs !

herr_dr_nuss said...

grieve for a while sweets. things will get better. keep looking in the mirror and repeat what we all tell you. you'll be fine. C will grow up to be a much better person. we know what you've gone thru and you deserve better. i'm proud of what you've accomplished in life and now you have fewer obstacles to accomplishing in even more. my hats off to you sweetie.


Anonymous said...

You are such a strong, beautiful woman, and my thoughts are with you this christmas. Have a wonderful christmas and I will see you in the new year!

Bine / hummel06 said...

I hope you feel a little bit better now. It obviously was the best and only decision you could make. Don't be afraid of the future. Everything will be better some time.

It would be easier with friends and family but you can make new friends now - at school for example.

Good luck and big hugs. I guess you deserve the orange gloves more than me ;-)