More holiday knitting

These socks were started for P. There is this small second hand shop that sometimes has yarns. There was some bits of sock yarn in the bag, that seemed they would combine well.
I started the socks for a Xmas present, and when he left I just couldn't frog it, nor would I give it to someone else, so at the end they did went to P. Not that he said thanks, he didn't even acknowledged them. But I don't really care.

Anyone who ever saw these were surprised how well those yarn went together. It was really nice and squishy...

Of course Chris started complaining right away "mama you never knit anything for ME!!! Knit me something!!! Knit me some socks!" So I dived in the bag of sock-yarn bits and came up with this:

Both pair toe up, short row toes, short row heels, at the foot ribbed on the top, on the leg, all around.

In today's what did I do what I wouldn't have if P. was here...
Nothing much....BUT... I DIDN'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT :-))))
Actually there are some superstitions of what you should or should not do at the first day of the year, like no cleaning, no taking out the garbage, no sewing, you shouldn't eat chicken, or other poultry, etc...
Of course there are "do"-s too, like eating hot dog, pork, lentils, and do what you want to do all year...
For years and years I did all of those, but things just got worst instead of getting better, so I stopped "doing" the right thing. Usually I took some sleeping pill and were fast asleep long before midnight rung in.
This year wasn't much different, I refused to eat and do the "right" stuff, but I tried not to do what I shouldn't, so I just pottered about mostly.
The main feeling of the day was... almost nothing. I mean no guilt because I got up late, no one to make me feel like I am poisoning my kid, because once in a while I do give him hot dogs (he loves them), I could bath in as much water, and for as long as I wanted, and on, and on...

Baking Bread

In today's what did I do what I wouldn't have if P. was here...

I baked bread. I used to bake a lot of bread, but it was increasingly a source of frustration. When we first bought our house in the country I hoped of a lovely country life with homegrown, homemade stuff, freshly baked cakes and bread and such. Later due to P.'s tendency to avoid company I found out that it will not happen. P. loves all those things, homemade, home baked stuff. He keeps telling how commercial bread is bad for you, and most of all how much cheaper it is to bake your own. Also I think he is a kind of "purist" (I would rather call it masochist), as he refused to compliment even the best bread unless it was hard as a brick and full of rye and oat.
I on the other hand think that there are middle ways. I mean you can make a bread that has rye and such and still soft and fluffy, but P. always dismissed my efforts as worthless. Also he increasingly acted if I committed a crime when I bought bread. I kept trying to tell him, that he is getting a maniac, that once in a while store bought bread can be nice, and a nice change...

Then I started working in the bank and my time became much limited, and since all the joys were taken out of my home-baking there came a point when I just refused to do it anymore. Since P. was home, and he just loves those "made" tasks (so he can complain how much he has to do), he took it up on himself. I could never decide if I should be angry that he took this thing away from me, or I should just be glad... Actually I was neither. His breads became darker, and heavier, and harder. Almost impossible to enjoy. Whenever he was away I bought the lightest, whitest fluffiest breads... and secretly wished I could enjoy the book called "French Bread" again...
Yesterday evening I made a bread. First time in years. It had rye, hard wheat, and oat in it, also bran, beside the white flour. The dough felt wonderful in my hand. The yeasty smell was lovely. And this morning when we cut it, the taste just melted in my mouth...

Just some knitting

There was some before the sh** hit the fan, then no knitting for weeks. I simply couldn't pay enough attention, I didn't feel like it.
I sat in my bedroom looking at the boxes full of yarn, and wondered what will happen to them...
Then slowly I started again picking it up here and there, and then it all came back...
Here are some pictures, and then more will come.
Here is the red Urchin I made in November

The yarn came from the same Uruguay company as the yellow lace. I was very happy with how it knitted up.

Then having succes with the fair isle west I thought I might try a beret with self striping yarn:

Also there were my knucks (fingerless gloves) :

And I thought I might add a feature for a while...
What did I do today I wouldn't have if P. would be here?
Chris woke me up at 3AM, and I couldn't fall back asleep... For a long time. So I could turn the TV on and knit.
We had breakfast at 11 in the morning...
The cable men were here to connect the net and TV and phone and we just didn't got around it...
I also didn't feel like cooking so we just ordered a PIZZA (without feeling a complete slob).

Edited to add: All the pictures were shot by my............SON!!!! Thank you darling :-)))

Back online

After many weeks of incredibly maddeningly slow connection, and then an other couple weeks of absolutely no internet I have service again...
I am still alive, coping thank God, I even knitted some this and that...
Things are far from being solved, but I am hopeful.

It is over

P. is gone.
I am hurt all over, especially inside, I feel like my heart was teared out. I was trying so hard to find a peaceful solution, but it was just not to be.
As you all know I was sick all weekend (when he went to the shopping mall I asked him to bring me nosedrop, but he didn't, but that is just one small thing... didn't even mattered much, but so typical).
Anyway last week in ann email he asked me to pay some bills and I he promised the money wil be on my desk when I get home. It was not. (nor did I got the money for the bill I paid a month ago). Monday morning we got into an argument about how I cannot trust him even with things like this.
He wanted to stop it with shutting the door in my face. It was the entrance door, and I was still inside, so he pushed me out with the door. I went back to tell him that he cannot kick me out of my own home, and from then it went all downhill, he attacked me, wanted to hit me.

Later when my dad called him, P. told that "his head is bleeding" because I hit him. I was defending myself, and my keyes were in my hand... but he is bigger, and stronger...
I told him I want him out. that day.

I was all shaking when I got into work. I called my dad, because I decided that this just cannot go on anymore. I cannot let Chris witness this. My dad called him and told him he has to go, but he refused. He and his wife drove here.
At the afternoon P. (like nothing happened called me that I should by brea for the evening. I told him that he shouldn't thing that I will let this pass, and once again he would continue like nothing happened... Chris stayed down with my dad's wife, and the two of us went up. P. was cleaning (vacuuming!!!!!) like he has no care on the world. My dad told him (very strongly) that he has to levae, he refused, saying that he talked to his lawyer and she told him, that he has every right to stay... he repetaedly tried to call the layer, and my dad repetedly broke the connection ("don't call the lawyer, talk to me") .At a point P attacked my dad, he wanted to hit/beat him, but my dad was suprisingly strong, much stronger, but furniture still flew around...
Then my dad called his wife, who called the police. They came about fifteen minutes later. While we were waiting P. kept vacuuming... We did told him, that he still have a chance to leave peacfully but he was ever so obstinate...
The police came lisened to out story, he checked our papers, my dad showed his retired army officer card... P. kept telling that he has every right to be there, and then they asked for his adress card (if you live somewhere you have to have an official adress ID card, it can be obained with the permission of the owner of the place--- he was careful to avoid every official thing...avoid taxes, and avoid leaving traces- now it backfired on him) and he couldn't show one. He has none. The policemen was very nice, calm and patient, and straight to the point, he told him that we can report each other forever and keep fighting, but for the sake of the child, it would be better for everyone to leave, and please would he pack up his personal belongings and leave... he tried to fight it but he had to leave. my dad sent me off while he was going...
I felt like my heart is breaking, I sooo wanted to solve this peacefuly, but he resisted every attempt...

I felt so sorry when he was leaving like a lost, beaten dog...

He left, we changed the lock, and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know where he spent the night,
Christopher was crying because he didn't got his usual evening story, then because he couldn't say goodby to his dad... poor kid.
I haven't slept one minute, I haven't ate anything since sunday...
I can't even cry... I keep feeling I will break out crying, but I just can't.

I feel like I am a failiure.
I failed P., I failed my life, I failed my son.

But I simply had no other choice. I want a LIFE. I want a LIFE for my boy.
My heart is breaking all over this.

I can't say how sorry I am that it came to this... But I don't know what could I have done differently.

Winter

This will be a terrible whining post...
Winter...Is not my time of the year. I actually get very depressed. I hate the cold, I hate the darkness. I would gladly give up Xmas and all if I wouldn't had to endure winter.
Other stuff troubling me as well. I am struggling with work, it is simply not going as it should. I keep wondering if it is my fault (probably yes, to a point, but I just don't know what to do, what else to try...) or the other party's impatience, or simply I have too many boss. I do know that I am not such an idiot as I am made to appear. Also there are changes coming and I don't know if it will be good or bad. This week I came home in tears a couple of times and on Thursday I broke out crying in the office. Fortunately there was only two colleague there to witness it, one of them is my ex boss (who wasn't really), and an other very nice lady, who tried to comfort me... afterward I was so ashamed of myself. And due to the current economic situation I can't even say to myself that if I don't feel well, I will just leave and find something else, because there will be no something else... Add to all this I can't even come home to complain, or get comfort, because PJ would...1. gloat over my un-succes...2. tell me that it is entirely my fault...3. keep referring to it for not only years, but decades...
On other fronts I keep running into walls, whatever I try I seem to fail, except for knitting.
On the home-front no changes and that is something that bothers me too... and as the days get shorter I draw back more and more, and sink into the big blue depression deeper and deeper, and it seems to get worst every year...